Difficulties

*sigh*... Where to begin?

Everything is seeming so stressful and overwhelming. But I can't pin point why. I'm just barely getting back my willingness to do school. (Thank you everyone that commented, btw. All the support certainly helps!) It still isn't easy to do, though. I haven't been as excited about work as I once was, though I was just awarded "Employee of the Month" yesterday. Even my family life is a bit, depressed. Nothing with Jason, if anything he has been my saving grace the last few days. But my birthday is coming up this weekend and trying to plan anything with my family has been stressful.

I've been kinda wanting to make the beaded watch bands that I've seen around. I've made them before at a work shop where the lady had everything and we just paid her for whatever we used. It was way fun, but to make three bands I spent over 80.00. It was a bit pricey. So for my birthday my sister wanted us to buy our own stuff and make them. So this week I went shopping. I took Amanda (Jason's little sister) with me. She likes crafty things and she wants to learn how to make the watch bands, too. I've been trying to build a relationship with her since I married Jason. She only has brothers in her family and she kinda needs a "girl outlet". I remember when I was younger what a relief my sisters were to me. I want to be that for Amanda. So we went out. She didn't have any money, of course, I never had any when I was in high school, either. I told her I would pay. Beads can't really be that much, right? Not. By the time I bought everything we needed, the beads she picked and the beads I picked, it was over 100.00. Holy crap. I had the money, so I went ahead and bought them. Then I went home and cried. Jason and I hardly ever get extra money and I know how stressed he can be about what I spend. I was lucky to have an extra paycheck in October to have a bit left over, but this certainly wasn't what I wanted to spend it all on. Jason actually shocked me by being completely fine with it. He said, "I just want you happy, Bonni." But the whole thing has still put me on edge. Now I'm not even so sure it's worth it to have them. I took back some of the beads I picked out today. I don't dare take back any of Amanda's things. I did tell her I would pay for them. I just didn't expect it to be so much.

So there's that. But it's everything else, too. Not just one situation. Everything is just piling on, piling on, and piling on. I feel buried alive.

Jason and I talked a bit today about it. Jason repeated his famous line, "I just want you happy." But followed it with, "what WOULD make you happy, Bonni? What is it that's wrong?". And that right there is just the point. Nothings wrong. I'm happily married, Jason has been more than wonderful to me. I have everything I need and a little extra. I'm going to school, working... I should be fine. I'm not feeling very pretty at the moment- I actually GAINED weight for my first week on weight watchers which totally shot my motivation there, and I've been wanting to get my hair done for a while. I've been feeling a bit frumpy. But that shouldn't been effecting me like this, should it?

I don't know. I want Cafe Rio. Comfort food. Seems like it's the only thing that helps. Even at that it helps for... a day? Maybe? And the clouds come rolling back.

What's wrong with me?!